After reviewing the readings,
lectures, small group discussions, and my journal entries I have come to the
conclusion that the major theme for me, thus far in the semester is “change”. In
such a short time at PTS I have already been challenged more than I could have
imagined. What I have discovered through prayer, seeking wise council, and deep
thought is that I need not to run from these challenges, but face them head on
with a sense of openness. Among this major theme there are some underlining
themes that merge greatly with change. Those are openness (which I have already
mentioned) discipleship, rule of life, and finding the literal meaning of
scripture. These themes I will elaborate on, and will help explain just how
much God has changed me thus far.
What I am learning all too well is
that I cannot truly experience change without openness, and in the same sense, openness
means nothing if I do not let it provide a road for transformation. Esther de
Waal puts it like this, “We cannot think of life as a journey without accepting
that it must involve change and growth.” [1] No
matter where I am in life I pay close attention to those around me and how they
interact with the challenges of life. The mindset of the Church in general today
is to prepare their members to run as fast as they can from those who may have
a different point of views. Subsequently, in these Church settings one may be
praised if he/she were to demonize the other views while claiming to stand on
the truth. This was the trend I noticed within most if not all the churches I
was on staff or attended. Whether I was aware or not, this false narrative had
been ingrained inside of me in such a very short time. What seminary is doing
is driving me through lectures, conferences and lunches. I now listen to those
who have a different understanding and world view then I. It is also to be
noted that these people have much more knowledge and experience then I do. Consequently,
their explanations have much more substance than my narrow understanding of the
truth. I am not claiming perfection on their part but I am recognizing they
have more wisdom. Nevertheless, having to listen to them has proved a tough
challenge for me. I can no longer run to my safe secure thoughts and set
formula of truths. My place of safety, I now see, was not more than a store
house of deception. I believe St. Anselm gets to the heart of this when he
prays, “To feel safe is unreal, a delusion of self, [but] knowing we do not
know is, the only certainty”[2].
This rings very true for me and cries for openness to what God is doing in my
life.
What helped further explain change,
and also affirmed openness, was Casey’s definition of discipleship. He suggests
ideas of following, imitation, likeness, and participation. As far as I am
concerned, this seeps out metaphors of openness and change. Perhaps, this term,
I am learning how to be a true disciple. This is very important. As Casey
explains, “In the first phases of apprenticeship, the disciple’s task is simply
to obey.”[3]
From my experiences in athletics I know one needs to be open to what those in
the position of authority are teaching them for obedience to work. In football
it is not possible to close one self to what the coach is teaching. If a player
were to wonder off and do their own thing they would not be successful and
would not get to play in the game. I am learning discipleship for me, is to put
off whatever I thought I knew coming into seminary, and be open to the wise,
more polished minds. Jesus has placed these men and women in my life not so I
can disagree and adhere what I have always believed, but so I can fully put my
feet in their shoes and learn from them. Casey also explains discipleship “means
abandoning their own judgments and preferences and choosing to be governed by
another- at least, to some extent.[4]” It
is a matter of death to myself. In finding life through Christ I am learning
how to die properly.
The Lord helped assert these things
with powerful words for me earlier in the semester while I was practicing
lectio. My Spiritual formation teacher told us if we had trouble with authority
to read Matthew[5].
I thought I fit the so I ventured into the Gospel. I wandered across the
“Parable of the Sower” and felt lead into the story. I read slowly and looked
for words that stuck out. It was evident that the word “listen” was one of the
powerful words, as if the Lord told me I need to listen to him. I focused on
listing. When I returned to the scripture to practice Lectio the Lord spoke
boldly and clearly to me. Jesus was approached by His disciples and asked why
He chose to speak in parables to the crowd. Jesus replies, “This is why I speak
to them in parables: Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do
not hear or understand.”[6]
This statement struck me because I felt that perhaps I was one of those about
whom Isaiah was prophesizing and Jesus was referring to. That was a very
uncomfortable feeling so I asked, “Lord what must I do to perceive, to listen?
How do I do these things?” The Lord answered, “I am right in front of you. I am
speaking to you daily, but you do not want to come to me because I will correct
your wrong ways and make them right. You do not perceive or listen to me
because you have made the choices to go your own way. You no longer follow me.
You have created your own path but I am the way the truth and the life. You
know this and it has been revealed to you many times before.” As I was
overwhelmed by the boldness and truth of the Lord I tried to plea, “You are all
to right Lord, I am sorry”. However the Lord gave a profound answer, “I did not
call you to be sorry, but to repent to turn back to me in the face of your
failures. I call you to believe in me once again like I believe in you now.
Repent the Kingdom of God is at hand.”[7]
The Lord was calling me to change my mind. He was calling me to be open to what
he was trying to do in my life. I was blocking His voice out so he told me to
listen, then once I was ready he spoke clearly. This openness to discipleship
has led me to a deeper love. This deep love has encouraged me to be more disciplined
in the time I set out each day to spend with the Lord. This is where my Rule of
Life enters in.
A short entry in my Journal helps to
explain my struggle with seminary, learning new things and realizing that it is
essential to develop a rule of life:
To go about spending time with the
Lord, How do I do? To look in the face of biblical criticism and still see the
light is beyond my own strength. To have the fear of asking hard questions about
the Bible forced out of me is forcefully painful. To wonder what I believe
anymore is scary. Despite all my questions, doubts, concerns when it comes to
the Bible I still feel lead to seek God. It’s as if I’m fighting my reason, to
hold on to faith? Or perhaps I am reasoning my way to faith? Or even my faith
is almost gone and out of habit I run back to God? Or in fact it is God Himself
who has faith in Himself as Lord, and I the weak minded man I am being lead
vicariously through God’s on faith to keep moving forward? Yea that’s it. It is
because of the Lord I am hanging on. If not for Him and the many people praying
for me right now I would walk away from the faith and the love, for my own selfish
interests. All that being said I need a rule of faith. Some type of routine
that the Lord and I have to figure out together.[8]
I
am finding that the rule of life was not to be forced upon me. Anyone who has
led me to feel as if I had to do some type of rule only led to a poor attempt
to be a good. Certainly without first understanding the concept of openness and
the willingness I should not have been expected to have a successful rule. This
rule should be a response to the work of God in my life and not the work of
someone else’s words. Nevertheless, this yearning for the rule stems from a
desire to begin the process of truly being like Christ. It is an aim at
perfection. When Jesus is praying for those who will believe in Him in the
future He says, “I have given them glory that You gave me, that they may be as
we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to
let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved
me.” [9]
This is what I desire, to be a fulfillment to the prayer of Jesus. To be in
complete unity or as the NKJV presents it “perfection” with God. This is why
during the semester I have felt such a strong calling to the Rule. One other
reason, was the explanation of Rev. Janet. When she addressed the class, during
her wonderful presentation, she explained that every Christian feels led to
every kind of injustice that surrounds us. The reason for a rule of life merged
with Lectio is for God to be able to direct us in the one or two of ministers
that best fit our gifts. She also explained how she has prayer times three
times a day to make sure that she is connected with God.[10]
It was powerful, and powerful enough to lead me to implementing that aspect of
her routine into my life.
The last theme deals with the Word
of God and proper study of the bible to influence my personal reading time.
This is something that I have not yet developed into a proper routine, but I
know it is all too important when it comes to right understanding. Casey quotes
Berno of Reichenau, who says, “Prudent reader, always beware of a superstitious
understanding. Do not try to accommodate the Scriptures to your own meanings or
add your own meanings to the Scriptures.”[11]
The very thought of adding myself to Scripture is disheartening. Therefore, out
of respect for God and those who I will be called to serve someday it is my
duty to ensure that I have a proper understanding of context, history and
culture. This is the heart of scripture. When people open the Bible all they
see is black and white, however one who digs into the text and looks to devour
finds how colorful those pages can be. I look forward to developing a routine
of full Bible study and I am glad the importance of this type of study has been
revealed to me.
These concepts and themes mentioned
here are all affirm how the Lord is changing me. They show that openness,
discipleship, a Rule of Life and, proper reading of Scripture are necessary
aspects of this change taking full affect. Though it may not have shown fully,
this is a tough process. However, that does not change the fact that is a
worthwhile process. If I can hold tight to what I am learning while being open
to the rest of the material this term the sky is the limit for the
transformation that can occur. This is a journey and as stated earlier “We
cannot think of life as a journey without accepting that it must involve change
and growth.” I look forward to more change and growth throughout this term,
this year, and all the years to come.
I'd love to connect with you on Twitter: https://twitter.com/DamianLBerry
[1] Casey,
Michael. Sacred reading: the ancient art of Lectio Divina. (Liguori, Mo.:
Triumph Books, 1996), 69.
[2] Waal,
Esther. Seeking God: the way of St. Benedict. (Collegeville, Minn.: Liturgical
Press, 1984.), 82.
[3] Casey,
Sacred reading, 37
[4] Casey,
Sacred reading, 37
[5]
Martha Robbins, “PTS Spiritual Formation Courses” (Lecture 1, Pittsburgh, PA,
September 10, 2012)
[6]
Matt. 13:13 (NIV)
[7]
Damian Berry, “Personal Journal entry” (September 22, 2012)
[8]
Damian Berry, “Personal Journal entry” (September 27, 2012)
[9]
John 17:22-33
[10]
Rev. Janet Hellner-Burris, “Wilkinsburg Christian Church” (Lecture, Pittsburgh,
PA, October 1, 2012)
[11] Casey,
Sacred reading, 63
